The Last of the Firsts

Tonight, Fin rolled over for the first time.  My first thought was, "Its all over now!  The mobility has begun!"  But my second was, "This is the last time I'll have a baby to experience these firsts with."

That isn't to say that we don't still have firsts left.  All the boys do.  Fin will probably start experiencing them in rapid succession soon.  And of course we have first days of Kindergarten left (may they be better than Spencer's, please!), first days of middle school, first days of (*weep*) high school.  Graduations.  Weddings.

Ok, I better stop there before I really upset myself.

But my baby firsts are numbered.  Very numbered.  And I'll never get to experience them as a mother again.

That makes me sad.

It feels very strange to me, the fact that I know I'll never have another baby.  I can't say that I'm sad about it, at least not the majority of the time.  I'd say that 51% of the time I'm happy to be done and think that our family feels very complete.  Those are usually the days when we are all still in our pajamas at 2 pm b/c the boys are so wild or when I was up half the night with someone who was sick or simply refusing to sleep.  I still want to make the sign of the cross thinking about this time last year when Jack was up, literally, hourly to nurse.

Days like today, though, fall into the 49% when I think I'd have 10 babies if Jake would let me.  We were still in our pjs at 2 pm, but it was b/c we were having a lazy day.  Spencer and Jack were playing fairly well together.  They watched a movie.  Fin was super pleasant, even taking a passie and putting himself down for his nap.  I sat at the computer, drinking a cup of tea and browsing a Hunger Games forum (don't judge me).  We went to the store where everyone was quite well behaved and happy.  Jack even put himself to sleep without someone laying down with him for the second night in a row (please, God, let that continue, Amen.).

I think that with time, maybe, I'll feel "done" all the time.  Once everyone is out of diapers and I can sleep in on a Saturday morning.  Or when I get to sleep all night without someone trying to nurse or climb into bed with me. Or when they are big enough to go stay with grandma so Jake and I can take a nice adult vacation. Maybe then.