Betrayal

Today, I feel betrayed. I feel defective. And I am angry about it.

3 years ago, I had a c-section for a breech presentation. I do not think typically that breech babies need to be delivered via c-section, but doctors don't do vaginal breeches anymore and I was delivering with a doctor. But I digress.

I have double horizontal cuts, which is what they want you to have for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I thought that, because I had the ideal cuts, I would be set for having a great birth with my next child.

In the state of Arkansas, midwives aren't allowed to attend VBACs. Some will do them "under the table," so I called around with no luck. My next option is an unlicensed midwife. So I've been in touch with the 2 I've been able to find in my area. I spent about an hour on the phone with one last night and the verdict was: you must NOT have had a single layer closure on your internal incision.

A midwife posed this question to me several months ago, so I called the OB that delivered Spencer to ask. Her standard is, guess what?, a single layer closure. This is the same OB who, at my consult about 3 weeks ago, said "vaginal birth is overrated" and "in 30 years you won't care that all you had were c-sections". Nice. Somehow I doubt she sewed me up nice and tight for my VBAC.

I'm terrified of going to the hospital. Hospitals in this area are very VBAC hostile. In fact, I'm pretty sure at least one of them has a "VBAC ban". The last thing I want is so many interventions that I have to have a repeat c-section.

I feel so betrayed by the OB who preformed my c-section. All I've wanted, from the time my complications set in with Spencer, was some normalcy. I thought this was my chance. I am bummed.