I had always wanted 3 kids, for as long as I can remember. After Jake and I got married, it just seemed to make sense. He was one of 3 (all boys) and so was I (all girls). But whereas I enjoyed having two sisters, Jake always said he felt crowded. He would've stopped after Spencer if I hadn't pushed, I think.
Then Jack came along. Jack is one of the needier babies I've ever experienced. He still wakes several times at night to nurse and maintains "cranky" as his general disposition. I had decided I was done. Jake had pushed for a vasectomy and I asked him not to, but I had the sudden realization that I felt done. If all babies were like Spencer (minus the complications), I'd have a hundred. Babies like Jack are why families quit having babies.
So I was going to consent to Jake having a vasectomy and, in the meantime, start my prescription of birth control pills. I read through the packet since I was taking a pill I'd never taken before (the mini-pill, which is safe for breastfeeding) and discovered when I needed to start them and that, if taken during the first trimester of pregnancy they could cause birth defects. The instructions encouraged taking a pregnancy test before commencing with the pills.
I grabbed a cheap-o pregnancy test not wanting to waste money on something that was going to be negative and trashed shortly thereafter. I mean, Jack was still nursing so much at night that my period hadn't returned. And I learned through research that 80% of first cycles are anovulatory, so the odds were stacked in my favor.
Welcome to the 20%, Mrs. Walters.
I took the test and, so sure I was that it would be negative, I jumped in the shower and went on with stuff I needed to do before I glanced at it. And then stared at it. And then threw up.
I am not excited. An 18 month age gap between needy baby and new baby sounds like the least amount of fun a person could ever have. I haven't yet forgotten how much it sucks to have a little baby. It sucks a lot. Sure they're cute and they smell good (sometimes), but they also bring you to a level of sleep deprived that I can guarantee you've never experienced, not even during finals week in college. There were mornings that I'd have to call Jake to drive Spencer to preschool b/c I literally could not get up.
So anyway, September. And by then I'll be fine and excited, I'm sure. But for now I feel a whole lot of emotions ranging from angry (at myself) to dread and back again.
3 comments:
*hugs* Just when I had decided I definitely was not up to a second, I got pregnant. I understand the mixed feelings. Not being ok, but knowing you'll eventually get there.
Congrats :)
Kaci
Congrats! Someday you will realize that this was the best thing that ever happened! When those babies are best friends. I was the fourth girl,and for us 3 younger, we are all within 3 1/2 years. My poor Mama....she never really recovered.LOL
Will be praying for you!
Wow-I really was behind on your blog. I know you must feel overwhelmed...I am praying for you to be refreshed. I feel overwhelmed at times, but actually going from one to two children was way harder than two to three, for me. I think it is that you know what to expect, and it is amazing how we can learn to juggle several things. I could talk about this alot- Josiah was my needy child- he just didn't show us how needy he was until after I became pregnant with Isaac. By the time Amaus came along- he had mellowed out and became very independent. Maybe that is what will happen with Jack...sorry I got so off there- I am praying for a very easy pregnancy for you.
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