Memories I Can't Keep

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. -The Wonder Years

Ok, I just quoted the TV show The Wonder Years. I feel it applies here. ;-)

There are days that I wish I could hold on to every little thing my boys do. I look at Spencer with his shaggy hair (he's recently decided to grow it back out) and I see the way it falls across his eyes. I want to lock that picture away. And the way Jack looks when he is in full on belly laugh mode, with his mouth wide open, showing his two pearly white teeth, eyes closed, and head thrown back. I want to store it for later. And not just the picture of the things, but the feelings behind them. And the situations surrounding them. But I can't.

A few days ago, Jack was nuzzled into my neck and I noticed that, for the first time, he had bedhead. And not just a bit of temporary bedhead, but the kind that you can't just smooth down with your hand. And I realized in that moment how many memories I've lost with the passage of time. I'll probably lose that one eventually.

How much of Spencer's babyhood has left me? I don't remember how he smelled. Or where he was the most ticklish. Or what made him laugh more than anything else. And that's just what I've lost from his first year. What about the way he tottled around when he was just learning to walk? Or the first time he ever gave me a kiss? Or told me he loved me unprovoked? All gone.

This has made me want to hold on to whatever I can get while I can. Jack is still new enough that I remember how he felt, all warm and wet, when he was first placed on my chest. And I remember how his new baby head smelled so good even though we didn't bathe him for a week after his birth.

And I want to cling on to what Spencer is doing with new ferocity. He traced his name all by himself for the first time this week. And he's getting sneaky when he does something he knows he's not supposed to.

I guess the brain is only meant to hold so much. But it kills me that all these little things will leave me over time to be replaced with just the big stuff. I hope its enough.