Healing and Other Musings

I always thought that a second pregnancy would make or break me mentally. Even though I didn't show it too much, the time after Spencer's birth was very hard for me. And, like many mothers of premature babies, I had the desire to have another baby as soon as possible. A chance, perhaps, to do things the "right" way. To not feel so broken or like a failure.

Well, my "as soon as possible" wasn't until over 3 years later. It turns out you need a willing partner for baby making. Who would've thought? LOL

My pregnancy with Jack was one of many emotions.

The first I found myself feeling was terrified. All I could do was run the complications I had with Spencer through my head. And what would I do this time when it wasn't possible for me to curl up in a hospital bed for 10 weeks? I had a 3 year old to take care of! The middle of my pregnancy was the worst since that's when the complications hit with Spencer.

And then something wonderful happened: nothing. And with every week I made it past the 20th, I felt more and more relaxed. I felt better able to enjoy the pregnancy for what it was. After the passage of the 24th week, I took a deep, deep breath and knew my baby would have a fighting chance. After the 28th week, I was elated because I knew my baby would not only live, but have a good life. After the 30th week, I knew what to expect if he was born, but at the same time I finally had the confidence to say I thought I would go the distance.

My pregnancy with Jack healed me in so many ways. I no longer feel like my body failed Spencer. For so long, people told me that it was a fluke, but I didn't truly believe them. I felt flawed, like I couldn't do the one thing women's bodies are supposed to do.

I know now that my body is strong. Not only did it carry my beautiful, 9 pound boy to exactly the right time, but it birthed him without problem or complication. I would easily say it was one of the most memorable moments of my life. His birth left me feeling strong, like I could do anything.

So thank you Jack for healing me. Thank you Jake for being there through the craziness and always having faith that things were going to be just fine. And thank you Spencer for doing your best to keep my mind off of it!