Fear

I have a lot of fear in my life and most of it surrounds my child and his entry into this world.

On March 16, 2005, I was 20 weeks pregnant. I was in the middle of my student teaching. My husband was in Iraq. I was at home that evening working on the next day's lesson when suddenly I felt wet. I had a lot of bleeding episodes early in my pregnancy and simply thought that it had happened again. But when I went to the bathroom there was no blood, just a clear fluid. I thought I had wet myself, but a friend (who was about 15 weeks ahead of me in pregnancy) recommended I call the OB on call anyway. The OB on call pointed me to L&D but told me it was probably nothing.

I went to the hospital alone. My parents live too far away for them to come get me and then take me to the hospital and my sister, who lives with me, was taking a night course at her university. Once I got there, a simple swab test was enough to show that I was leaking aminotic fluid. When I lay down on the bed there was a huge gush. My water had fully broken.

No one really gave me any hope that my pregnancy would continue. Once the perinatologist got back from his long weekend he said that 80% of his patients with ruptured water went into labor within a week. He didn't have to go into further detail. I knew exactly what he was saying to me. I began wracking my brain for a name for this ill fated baby. Jake and I hashed it out over the phone, me in the hospital, him in Iraq, for several days before we settled on the name Spencer. Neither of us were totally happy with it, but this baby was destined to die and we needed a name for the death certificate.

Days turned in to weeks, weeks into months. I was in the hospital for 10 weeks before I had a bleeding episode so bad that my OB wanted to do a c-section. Spencer was born 10 weeks premature with underdeveloped legs and lungs, both due to the extreme lack of amniotic fluid he'd faced in the womb.

Everyday that I was in the hospital was a day of fear. Would his lungs work? Would he come out with a horrible deformity because of the lack of fluid? Most of my questions could not be answered by any doctor before Spencer's birth. Some of them could not be answered in the days after Spencer's birth.

I want to have another baby. I want it desperately. Yet I am gripped by fear. Fear of a repeat situation. Fear of having another premature baby. Fear that, should we repeat this sceneriao, we wouldn't be so lucky the second time. Everytime I think about being pregnant again I am panged with panic and fear before I am excited. Will time heal this wound? Who knows. But I sure hope for my sanity that it will.