Betrayal

Today, I feel betrayed. I feel defective. And I am angry about it.

3 years ago, I had a c-section for a breech presentation. I do not think typically that breech babies need to be delivered via c-section, but doctors don't do vaginal breeches anymore and I was delivering with a doctor. But I digress.

I have double horizontal cuts, which is what they want you to have for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I thought that, because I had the ideal cuts, I would be set for having a great birth with my next child.

In the state of Arkansas, midwives aren't allowed to attend VBACs. Some will do them "under the table," so I called around with no luck. My next option is an unlicensed midwife. So I've been in touch with the 2 I've been able to find in my area. I spent about an hour on the phone with one last night and the verdict was: you must NOT have had a single layer closure on your internal incision.

A midwife posed this question to me several months ago, so I called the OB that delivered Spencer to ask. Her standard is, guess what?, a single layer closure. This is the same OB who, at my consult about 3 weeks ago, said "vaginal birth is overrated" and "in 30 years you won't care that all you had were c-sections". Nice. Somehow I doubt she sewed me up nice and tight for my VBAC.

I'm terrified of going to the hospital. Hospitals in this area are very VBAC hostile. In fact, I'm pretty sure at least one of them has a "VBAC ban". The last thing I want is so many interventions that I have to have a repeat c-section.

I feel so betrayed by the OB who preformed my c-section. All I've wanted, from the time my complications set in with Spencer, was some normalcy. I thought this was my chance. I am bummed.

Letting the cat out of the bag

I'm thrilled. I'm terrified. But mostly, I'm thrilled.

Laundry on the line and other pics..

Since we are all moved and unpacked, I was able to find my camera cord and dump my camera. Just sharing a few.

Finally, one of the biggest reasons that I liked this house over any of the others is that there were laundry poles out back. This probably wouldn't be a positive thing for most people. I saw it as a way to not only reduce our global footprint, but also to reduce our electric bill. I read a statistic once that said 60% of a home's energy costs can be attributed to the dryer, so I thought I would try this out. I had to go to about 4 different stores to find a laundry line and some pins. Fred's had them, Wal-Mart didn't! I guess you can't find everything at Wal-Mart after all. :)

Amazing child discovery of the day

Bubbles always pop. Every single time, no matter what you do, they pop. :)

Things I want to do in our new home...

This is my running list of things I'd like to do once we move to Mtn. Home.

1. Plant a garden. Even if its just a few veggies this year. Find out what you can plant mid-June.
2. Create a compost pile. Research how to get one started.
3. Bike most places. Need to map routes to the grocery store and park.
4. Make lots of things from scratch. I'll be back to compile a preliminary grocery list.
5. Do not spend money on things you don't need. Buy as few things new as possible. This includes clothing. :(

Will add more I'm sure...

My Path

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I not become a wife at the age of 20 and a mother by age 22. Never in a negative way though; I love my life so very much and would never change my choices.

But I see a lot of my peers with advanced degrees and going on amazing trips, both things that are a lot more difficult to achieve with a kid or two under your belt.

What might I be doing if i was single and childless? I always wanted to live in England and, who knows, maybe I'd be there. I'd be teaching and possibly living in a "fuck off flat" (I read a book that said that once and always wanted to use it in a sentence) in the heart of London. Or maybe I'd be exactly where I am, teaching in Arkansas, living in my hometown, except without a soft place to land.

Ultimately, what would more education bring me? More money? More stress? What if I waited until I was 35 to have kids and then had trouble or a baby with a genetic defect? How would I feel then?

I'm proud of my choices. Yes, I got married at 20. I even had a kid at 22. I still graduated from college cum laude in 4.5 years. I owned a house before I was 23. I spend my days shaping young minds and come home to cultivate another. I'm in love with an amazing man who committed himself to me at a young age and who has also had many accomplishments.

I think my life is pretty sweet. :)

Breastfeeding: Option or Baby's birthright?

I am a lactivist, but I have not always been.

Once upon a time, my child was tiny. When he came home from the NICU, he was tipping the scales at 4 pounds, 5 ounces. As we were getting ready to leave the hospital, our discharge nurse came in and asked if I planned to exclusively breastfeed Spencer. When I told her yes, she shoved a can of high calorie formula in my hand and said, "We never recommend that a preemie be exclusively breastfed." She proceeded to tell me that I had to take Spence to his pediatrician by the end of the week and if he didn't gain weight he'd be readmitted to the hospital.

Needless to say, it scared me to death. I became obsessive about getting extra calories in him and pretty much only used bottles with expressed breastmilk and formula mixed in them. Around the same time, I caught a cold and my doctor, who knew I was pumping for a preemie, told me to take Sudafed. My milk supply tanked and eventually dried up.

At the time, I didn't go to great lengths to keep or increase my supply. I had a very "formula is just as good" attitude.

Then I started researching and learned how bad formula can be for kids. Don't get me wrong, I don't think its poison or anything, but it has been linked to increased rates of childhood and adolescent obesity, increased asthma and other respitory illnesses, and even SIDS. My own child started getting ill and had excema pop up all over his upper body when we made the switch from 1/2 formula, 1/2 breastmilk to all formula.

Why would anyone think those risks are ok for thier child?

On my way home tonight, I started thinking about how I think its borderline child abuse to deny your child the right to be breastfed just because you don't like it or find it difficult. Welcome to motherhood, where you have to make sacrifices for your child! No one ever said that being a mom would be easy, and here's a prime example. There are a very limited number of people who physically cannot nurse, around 1-3%, and I understand and sympathize with these women. Still, there's no reason that the rate of breastfeeding in the US at the age of 6 months is under 50%. No excuses!

We as Americans have not put the correct connotation on formula usage. The norm is breastfeeding and anything else is substandard, period. Should I ever, for some reason, not be able to produce breastmilk, I won't turn first to formula. I will solict lactating women whom I know and ask them for donations of breastmilk.

I don't want MY child to eat something substandard.